Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Pimp My Middle Finger

Hummers are for pussies. They are driven by guys with massively tiny dicks who think they are pimping.

But if you have a huge cock, I mean tree-trunk huge, you need an International CXT. This is not a Chevy Suburban chasis with a Hum-Vee style body. This company makes actual military vehicles. How would you like to see THIS passing you on the freeway? The CXT comes pre-pimped for guys who do their pimping at a rate of 3.5 miles to the gallon.

Let's get real. We are pimping way too much in this country. We're already pimping our cars and and pimping our bikes and pimping our homes and some of us are pimping our dentures. Soon we'll be pimping buses, pimping snowplows, pimping yachts, pimping 747's, and pimping Canadian provinces. And no one will ever ask the crucial question: is it really possible to pimp Alberta any more than it already is? Given time, Monsanto will start pimping our corn. Starbucks will begin to pimp our coffee and Walmart will start pimping our slaves. We can't sit quietly as Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney pimp their nukes. Before long, the manatee and the gray wolf will be pimped to extinction.

And unpimping things is not enough, in spite of Volkswagen's efforts to "unpimp the auto." Once something has been pimped, it's pimpness enters the global consciousness, and you cannot unpimp it. Pimping must be stopped before it starts.

We therefore must stop pimping our worldy possessions and start pimping the things that are really important. It's time to Pimp the Vote!

And most importantly, we need to step back and return pimping to it's humble origins: pimping our whores.


At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"massively tiny"?


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