ATTENTION CITIZENS: YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE!!!
The Associated Press has just released a story that a cow in Alabama has tested positive for mad cow disease. Your initial reaction may be one of shock, alarm, fear, and panic. This is the correct response. Although you are many millions of times more likely to die as a result of heart disease, preventable types of cancer, complications from diabetes, auto accidents, and alcohol-related incidents, it is crucial that you ignore these convincing statistics and concentrate on the very-almost-real possibility that mad cow disease will turn into a global pandemic of epidemic proportions. Your family, your children, your friends, but especially your children are all at risk. They may, in fact, already have Creutzfeldt-Jacob disease, which is at least as horrible as it sounds, if not more so. And even though only a few hundred people have been infected by the disease since it was discovered, it is critical that we devote all our attention to this story as it develops.
Please ignore the FBI agent climbing your telephone pole. Turn away from your president dropping napalm on innocent Muslims. Pay no mind to the activity of harmless megacorporations. And don't worry that you don't have a job.
The real danger is beef. It may already be in your very own house. The only way to protect yourself is through paralyzing fear.
Not convinced? How about bird flu? Or worse, AVIAN bird flu. The really unlucky ones will get Creutzfeldt-Jacob Bird Flu and die alone, horribly disfigured, in a pool of their own diarrhea. Please lock your doors, stay inside, and tune out the armed stormtroopers goose-stepping down your block.