Friday, February 24, 2006

Der UnFuhrer Bush

People get upset when you compare their guy to the 20th century's greatest political monster, Adolf Hitler. Most of them simply don't understand the concept of hyperbole, as illustrated brilliantly in The Invisible Life of Poet.

I compare everything to Hitler: my dry cleaners (Another missing button! Did Hitler clean this shirt?), my pets (Bad kitty! Bad Hitler kitty! No scratch!), my breakfast (This poppy seed bagel is worse than Hitler!), and even the Boston Bruins (Who's coaching this game? Hitler? It's a holocaust out there!) As America's foremost humorist, however, I'm allowed to make these sorts of comparisons because I'm better than you.

Few people or inanimate objects are more deserving of the Hitler Hyperbole than George W. Bush. Bush wants to be a dictator, like Hitler. Not the "kill all Jews" Hitler, but the Iron-Fisted, Supercharisma, take-my-word-for-it-or-I'll-send-you-to-camp-Guantanamo Hitler. He wants to be the Good Hitler, a more caring Hitler. He wants to be the Hitler that loves all God's creatures, and then chains them to a steam vent and tortures them with attack dogs. He doesn't care if you're black or white or Muslim or Jewish, so long as you give generously to the GOP and always agree with everything he says no matter what or I'll kill you.

In fact, he said so himself in 1998:
"You don't get everything you want. A dictatorship would be a lot easier."
(Governing Magazine 7/98)
And again in December 2000:
"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator."
See the CNN transcript here.
Bush believes he has been chosen by God (he said so himself) to liberate Iraq and lead the Middle East out of the dark ages into the paradise of modern Western culture, where everyone drives Lincoln Navigators, Ford Explorers, Chevy Imperialists, and GMC Conquistadors. By all measurements by informed and unbiased journalists and foreign analysts, he led them instead from the dark ages back to the stone ages. But in his tiny alcohol-and-cocaine-weakened mind, he's still winning.

Hitler said the same kind of stuff in Mein Kampf: "...I am convinced that I am acting as the agent of our Creator. By fighting off the Jews, I am doing the Lord's work." Bush and Hitler worship the same God, although Hitler's was Catholic and Bush's is First United Fake Methodist. They're like evil peas in an even eviler pod. Hitler even probably thought he was still winning World War II when he put a bullet in his head.

It takes a monumental ego to "stay the course" when everything is failing so masterfully, but that's what happens when you take a spoiled drunken scumbag and fill his head with Jesus. I think we'd be better off if he was still an alcoholic.

Many of us on the left see this country gradually slipping into dictatorship, where the news media is operated by the state, elections are controlled, minorities are exploited, and those who speak dissent are labelled as traitorous. America may be headed for dictatorship, but Bush will never be its dictator. The dictator must be both an adept executor and a powerful national symbol. Bush is neither. He's simple-minded, shifty, and weak. He can't even spell "oratory." And I guarantee Hitler knew the difference between "persecute" and "prosecute."

No, America can do better than a Hitler wannabe. We need a new dictator with some fresh new ideas; one who speaks his mind and doesn't take crap from anybody. That's why I'd like to nominate myself as the Democrat's next candidate for the Dictatorship of Earth, er, the United States. Why should you elect me dictator? Because once elected, I will take all that money we're wasting in Iraq and put it toward new contraceptive technology, state-sponsored cosmetic surgery, and STD research. Once everyone in America is busy fucking, they won't be able to cause trouble elsewhere. Now thrust your hands upward so I can smell your fingers, thus proving your loyalty.

HEIL! HEIL!
(sniiiiiff....)
"Nice..."

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