Saturday, February 18, 2006

110% Slut

You might on occasion hear women talk about past relationships, perhaps those that fell apart in a short period of time, and follow up with “I’m not a slut.” There are many misconceptions among women about what number of partners makes them a slut. Here is a simple formula to determine, once and for all, if you are a slut or not, in the eyes of men (and jealous women).

Take the number of men you have slept with (s), add the number of men you have fellated but not slept with (f) times 0.8**, and divide the total by your age (a). This is your Slut Coefficient (C).
(s + .8f) / a = C
If you’re normal, your coefficient should fall between 0 and 1. Or, expressed as a percentage, between 0 and 100. If you’re a complete slut, your score will be at least 100%. Here’s how the scores break down.

0% -- Obviously, you’re a virgin. This is okay so long as you’re younger than about 19. After that, it gradually becomes sad. While idiot teenage guys, older gross guys, and some scarier Muslims pine for an unspoilt virgin, most mature men don’t want to be bothered with someone who has never been with a man, and who has no idea how to please him (or herself).

1-10% -- For most guys, this is a pretty good place to be. You’re not completely without experience, but you’re clearly holding back. So long as you’re not arrogant about your temperence, we should be pleased that you would have us.

11-29% --For most men, this is what we tend to expect we’re getting. Experienced, but not over the top. You’ve been with enough guys that you know what you’re doing, but we don’t have to worry too much about finding blood in our urine next month.

30-49% -- The warning zone. If your score falls in this range you are dangerously close to being labeled a slut. Some prudish men would reject you outright, others would only date you begrudgingly. Discuss your past at your own peril.

50-74% -- You’re pretty slutty. In fact, most people probably already suspect as much. Many men probably consider you damaged goods. Your only hope is to hide your seedy past and start wearing baggier clothing to hide your slutty figure.

75-99% -- You have crossed the line into the Republic of Slutistan and you are probably never coming back. There’s little hope of hiding it, either. People already know: you give off slut vibes wherever you turn up. Anyone you date is going to find out sooner or later what a slut you are, and he’s not going to like it at all. Your only suitors may be other sluts.

100-149% -- What type of man would sleep with you unless incredibly drunk? Sex for you is no longer a challenge, and for a man to have sex with you is only one step away from masturbation, except they get herpes for the trouble. You may be a prostitute.

150% and up -- Send me the DVD.

Most of you taking this test likely failed with flying slutty colors. Very few women realize that they are sluts, but numbers never lie. This formula is 100% scientifically accurate. It has been carefully scrutinized on slut-frauen at the Max Plank Institute in Germany.

There is good news, though. You can lower your slut coefficient very simply and get back on the road to being acceptable. Your coefficient declines naturally with time if you refrain from sleeping around. If you are 20 years old and have slept with 10 men, your coefficient is 50%. But go the next ten years with no sexual contact and your coefficient will drop to 33, a very manageable number. By the time you’re 40, your coefficient will be within the acceptable range, and if you manage to make it to 60, you might finally find a decent man willing to sleep with you, although he might not be able to get aroused anymore.

** Men vary on whether they count fellatio as sex or not. Some think it is, some think it is not, some are on the fence. The average of them all puts fellatio at about 80% of intercourse, thus the fixed coefficient 0.8. If you have fellated one man, but had no intercourse, the argument can be made you are still a virgin, but just barely (80% virgin). If you fellate a second man, you have likely made the conscious decision that the first one wasn't so bad. You are on your way to becoming a slut. Congratulations.

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