Wednesday, January 11, 2006

MySpace: America's Fuckup Army

If you were an Iraqi, or any impoverished non-American, and were somehow able to poke around MySpace for a few minutes, you might be overwhelmed with hatred for Americans, and would happily kill every one of them for a single cup of Yaprakh. You might see FOX News and laugh at America's stupidity, but if you see MySpace, on goes the pipebomb vest.

MySpace is overrun with the largest collection of petty, self-absorbed and superficial white losers the world has ever seen. They pout their lips and dye their hair as they tread through a dangerous life of rock concerts, clubbing, and fashion. From what I can tell, most of them think being alcoholic is funny. Through suspiciously-well overexposed photographs, you might make out how everyone has hair in their face, ample cleavage, and tattoos that demonstrate their hardcoreness. And hardcoreness equals credibility. I have yet to understand why they need all this credibility.

But I want some, too. So for my MySpace page, I plan to put up a single photograph of me putting a shower of bullets through my face with a rigged Tec-9. Surely that will show them all that I am the most hardcore. When you first log in to my page, the first thing you'll hear is the recording of an atom bomb explosion followed by the sounds of a man being eaten by a bear. My weblog will be about how I drank twenty beer balls and then filled up ten other beerballs with vomit. It is, of course, all ironic. It's supposed to be funny.

There was a time not long ago when the internet seemed to be the fabled nerd homeworld. Now it is the home of stupid douchebag posers. These kids are so far gone that they'd actually BENEFIT from Christianity. And I say "kid" even though I'm only 26, because in spite of their ages, they are just a bunch of children. Of course, not everyone on MySpace is this way, but it's enough that I can make broad categorical statements about them all for your entertainment.

And why is it that every time I click from friends to friends I wind up on web model Tila Nguyen's page? Is she Jesus or something and nobody has told me? You can't ALL be her friend, and stroking your chub to pictures of her doesn't count as friendship where I come from (apparently in LA it does.)

When I look through MySpace profiles I see an entire generation with nothing to do. Communism is dying, gays are finally (if slowly) gaining the civil rights they deserve, and Republicans have predictably self-destructed. Our parents and grandparents always had some place to put their emotions, their anger, and their unreasonable hatred. But we do not, so we put it in ourselves. And instead of doing good for the world with all our education and wealth, instead of living lives of simple pleasures, we spend all our time trying our damnedest to look as cool as possible, trying to be the next rockstar, in some faint hope that somebody out there will pay attention to us. It's a life of loud desperation; we're that desperately lonely.
I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War is a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives.
--Fight Club
When the MySpace kids start taking over the country, look out. Some crazy shit is going to happen, and if you think Bush and Cheney and Rumsfeld and all their friends have fucked things up, you're about to learn a lesson in crazy shit. Because the MySpace people are America's Fuckup Army. Here they come.

3 Comments:

At 4:22 PM, Anonymous college girl from new york said...

thank you for finally outing myspace as a childish toy for people who are wastes of life. i look forward to reading more entries! :)

 
At 9:07 PM, Anonymous Megan, surrounded by simpletons in Cape Girardeau, MO said...

Finally, someone else that thinks the same thing! Myspace and Xanga are inundated with, just as you said, "petty, self-absorbed and superficial white losers." I don't think another combination of adjectives could sum it up more. As you pointed out, these wannabe hipsters all sport the dyed black- donald trump -comb over hairstyle. These kids need to go outside, read a book, or paint a fucking picture.

This line, "And instead of doing good for the world with all our education and wealth, instead of living lives of simple pleasures, we spend all our time trying our damnedest to look as cool as possible, trying to be the next rockstar, in some faint hope that somebody out there will pay attention to us," ….is very well said.

This entry needs to be read.

 
At 1:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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