Tuesday, December 27, 2005

The Invisible Life of Poet #72 - Poet v. Gus IV

Merry Christmas, Chappy Chanukah, etc. to all my fans. Thanks for making Poet the #1 best and most popular comic strip in the country. It is thanks to your continued support that I spent last night sleeping in a flooded mineshaft and ate truck tires for breakfast. If I was any more successful, I might have to start eating people. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go to Home Depot for some weather stripping to keep the poison fumes out of my kitchen/rat colony.

www.lifeofpoet.com

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The State of Humor - Comic Strips

Comic strips today are bad. Abhorrent. Stroke-inducingly, groin-choppingly, spine-manglingly, bowel-explodingly, stomach-cancer-causingly bad. Bad bad bad bad bad. (Red Meat, pictured right, used to be good, but it has overstayed it's welcome, and is now bad).

For a long time people blamed the syndicates and publishers. These twin evils seemingly conspired to shrink the size, complexity, and intellectual guts of comic strips in the interest of merchandizing and untold corporate profit.

But nobody got the memo: the internet gives you free reign to produce comic strips however you like. Yet you would not know this looking at the comics at our disposal today, either in print or online. Most artists continue to squeeze lifeless characters and unfunny one-liners into tiny 3 and 4 frame strips (which I will address in a later post on Frame Theory).

We (by which I mean YOU) as cartoon artists are squandering all this precious liberty.

For your interest and education, I present to you the twelve dimensions of great comic strips, in relative order of importance.
  1. Conflict. If your comic strip has no conflict, why are you drawing it? Think back to high school English. Is it Man vs. Man, Man vs. Himself, Man vs. Nature, or some combination of these? Without conflict, your strip is meaningless.
  2. New Ideas. Without new ideas, your comic strip is just people talking. New ideas can be visual or verbal, but without them, I take nothing away from reading your strip.
  3. Gravitas. Do you mean what you say in your comic strip? Do your characters mean it? Not everything that comes out of your character’s mouths can be cynical, even if that’s all that comes out of your own mouth. Punch up your text, and use visuals to deepen the effect.
  4. Emotional Range. People are emotional creatures, and we relate best to other creatures that show emotion (dogs, anyone?). Your characters must show a spectrum of emotion, even robot characters.
  5. Verbal Economy. If the frames of your comic strip are more than half text, you need to tighten up. This is not a hard rule, but in general is true. Take a writing class if necessary, but cut out all that is not absolutely necessary. If I wanted to read all day I’d buy a novel.
  6. Opinions. Your characters must have them. If you seek to offend no one, you will quickly find that you impress no one.
  7. Punchlines. While every episode of your strip doesn’t need a killer punchline, you should seek out good punchlines whenever possible. A good punchline takes hard work to write. Remember: it can always be funnier.
  8. Complex Humor. Your friends might think you are funny, but that doesn’t mean you’re funny on paper. Being a good humorist takes years of studying. Study great humor of our time. Memorize it. Like a guitarist, learn some riffs, then reproduce them at the right time.
  9. Visual Variety. Chances are you draw talking heads. This is because you are lazy. Get some practice, learn to draw, and give your audience a reason to check out the next frame.
  10. Action. Even television lawyer dramas have action. Draw some.
  11. Longevity. If your strips are about iPods and TV shows like Survivor, beware: your strip will be unreadable in ten years, if it’s even readable now. Seek more general ideas and jokes that people will be able to understand for generations.
  12. Consistency. While some comic strips, such as The Far Side and The Perry Bible Fellowship, are able to be different every week, your strip must, at the very least, be worth reading every single time you draw it. If your idea is bad, or the joke is bad, don’t draw it. Stay up late and make something better.

Related posts: The State of Humor: Unfunny Animals

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

NEWS ALERT: SUDOKU NOT ACTUALLY MATH

Apparently many in the United States still believe sudoku are math, when in fact, they are not. Sudoku are actually just puzzles using 9 objects. The objects can be ANYTHING. To illustrate this point, I have created a sudoku I call "Great Patriots." Click the image to see how it looks. This sudoku is actually solvable, so print it out and give it a try and stop acting so stupid! Our government does all the stupid we need around here.

(Click here if you've been living underground for a few years and don't know what sudoku are)

[Late update: A very very annoying nerd wrote the following to me:

"Sudoku is actually math - just not math in the form that most people
know (ie, algebra - one *small* branch of what I consider math).Sudoku is a set of constraints and a search space in which there is a single solution that satisfies the constraints...As such, it is a constraint satisfaction problem. Numerous articles on various aspects of constraint satisfaction have been written in premier math journals."

I have contacted VP Dick Cheney, a personal friend and fellow nerd-hater, who has arranged illegal wiretaps on this nerd's telephone. He assured me she will be on her way to a secret nerd prison in north Africa within 48 hours, to be forced to listen to Eminem and Clay Aiken until deemed cool enough to return to American (or Canadian) society.]

Bad Humor Watch: Drudge Report

Bad journalistic practices and rightward-slanted headlines notwithstanding, the Drudge Report has it's place, and you can't argue that Matt Drudge was a pioneer in internet news reporting. But they need to stay the hell away from humor, because the Drudgettes and Drudge readers clearly are, if you'll excuse my languange, fucking idiots.

I give you exhibit A, where readers were asked to "caption the photo" of Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame. It is not funny. I DARE you to laugh.

www.drudgereport.com/plame.htm [Dead link: they must have read this post]

Reader-submitted "caption the photo" contests are designed by idiots for idiots.

Matt Drudge, stay away from humor and I'll stay away from misleading rightist news reporting.

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Invisible Life of Poet #71 - Poet v. Gus III

Remember Joshua Grossman? Of course you don't. I doubt any readers beyond my family and friends can recall episode #26, in which Joshua, the big Jewish kid, made his debut.

I don't hold it against you even though you are a poser. You might say, "but I liked Life of Poet before it was unpopular - back when it was hugely unpopular!" A TRUE fan would have liked Poet before it was even PUBLISHED, before it was even DRAWN!!! So basically, I have no real fans. And that's what makes me great (also being a supergenius and all.)

www.lifeofpoet.com

Family Guy: Arbiter of Camp

or: Comedic Pornography

FOX brought Family Guy back after it proved successful on Adult Swim (Cartoon
Network) and in DVD sales. I am a unbridled fan of Futurama, so I'm more than a little bitter. It raised the bar for both comedy and animation, in my opinion. Futurama tried to reverse the course of stupid, shock, and camp entertainment with something that was truly original and smart. It was a far more intelligent, well-written, satirical, and visually stunning show. Family Guy is rarely any of these anymore, if it ever was, but what it remains is a fantastic study in American pop culture. Unfortunately, these days, that is a sad sad thing.

Pop culture today is 100% retro and 100% campy - entirely backward-looking. Family Guy plays both follower and leader in this regard. It seeks to get laughs by ribbing anything created more than ten years ago. It fully admits to the world that the great majority of American culture has come through our televisions, going back to the 1960's. Family Guy seems dead set simply on making fun of our parents and older siblings, and what they liked to watch on television.

One thing Family Guy is not, however, is good comedy. If you set out only to make fun of every show produced between 1970 and 1995, you've got a lot to draw from. But the writing is lazy and the original jokes are few and far between. When Family Guy writers want to, they can be very very funny. One such moment came in last night's show, when Stewie, sick and dying in his mothers arms, squeeked out with his last breath, "don't...take me...to a black doctor." Awesome - clever, unexpected, and good satire. But all I remember beyond that were jokes about Happy Days, Quantum Leap, and Kirk Cameron.

There's nothing wrong with camp. But if campy is all you can be, your comedy becomes unhinged, and you lose touch with reality. The result is a very small timeframe in which your campiness can be appreciated. People ten years younger than me likely did not grow up watching reruns of Happy Days and the A-Team. In twenty years, Family Guy will be completely forgotten because none of the young viewers will be able to make sense of the many references to television, film, and scattered current events. And that is sad, because from season one the writers showed a lot of talent and promise. But gradually they got sucked into the pornography of campiness and "ironic-ness" that fills American culture today. That's not comedy, that's fashion. They have nearly a blank slate to produce any comedy they want, and they've chosen what is essentially nostalgia.

I can get that on VH-1 at all hours. Stop holding back, Family Guy!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Sometimes, the System Works

The Patriot act got hammered due to some nice work by Senate Democrats. A few great quotes from the AP story:

"I don't want to hear again from the attorney general or anyone on this floor that this government has shown it can be trusted to use the power we give it with restraint and care," said Feingold, the only senator to vote against the Patriot Act in 2001.

"It is time to have some checks and balances in this country," shouted Sen. Patrick Leahy, ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee. "We are more American for doing that."

Thank god for some sanity around here. See how your senator voted. Then send them an email to thank/ridicule them.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Yard is a Trapezoid?

Because I am smarter and funnier than almost everyone else in the entire world, it is rare for me to have any reason to send people away from my weblog to read someone else's posts. But I have found an exception - a short piece I really enjoyed.

Of course, if I had written this it would have been even better, and possibly won me all the Nobel Prizes, but this version at Monkeycube is pretty good anyway.

The Yard is a Trapezoid? I'll pass.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

According to Americans...

These colors don't run:


But these colors do:




?????

State of Humor Citizen Alert- The "I'm Okay" Joke

You may have heard it in a television commercial or seen it in a bad comedy film, but it's ubiquitous: the "I'm okay" joke. It has been used as a crutch for lazy script and ad copy writers for damn near a generation.

The basic premise goes as follows: somebody hurts themselves. It looks bad. Perhaps they run into a pane glass door or fall on their face. Then, either having stood up, or still lying on the ground, they say, "I'm okay."

That's it: that's the entire joke, and if I ever find the guy that invented this joke I can't be held accountable if I cannibalize him.
This joke is everywhere, and it's not funny anymore, if it ever was. We need to get rid of it in order to create better humor for this world. If not, the terrorists have won.

Unfortunately, I can only specifically remember three instances where this joke was used, but hopefully you, the reader, can remember a few others. If so, drop a comment to this post, and I will add them to the list along with your name and link. Then, with the list in hand, we can track down the ad agencies and film studios who are serial offenders and murder their families for wasting our time. It's in the Constitution.

Together, we can build a funnier world together.

The "I'm Okay" Offender List:
  • For: Volkswagen Jetta - Agency: DDB - Guy violently tackles shopping cart about to hit his Jetta. Says "I'm okay."
  • For: Some computer company (IBM?) - Agency: Unknown - Fat guy knocks over water cooler, injuring self. Gets up, says, "I'm okay."
  • For: Capital One - Agency: DDB - Family goes skiing during the summer. Father, predictably, goes careening down the hill. Get's up, says, "I'm okay." Is bowled over by careening wife.
  • For: Allstate - Agency: Leo Burnett? - Middle age couple skates late at night on outdoor ice rink to disco music. Man skates backward into a shack, stumbling over. Says "I'm okay." Ice falls off roof of shack onto parked car.
Serial "I'm Okay" Offenders:
  • DDB, ad agency

Zionism: Sucky Idea Anyway

Iran President and People Magazine Despotic Hunk of the Year, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has been telling people the Holocaust didn't happen, or at least, that it was greatly exaggerated, which understandably pisses a lot of Jewish people off. (Interesting fact: there are many Jewish people living comfortably in the world today. Take that, Hitler!)

I'm not going to debate the details surrounding the Holocaust, although I'm fairly convinced it was not a systematic slaughter of 6 million Jews, but an unfortunately named polecat jamboree that coincidentally took the lives of 6 million Jews.

But reading these stories about Mahmoud has gotten me thinking - maybe Zionism was a sucky idea. But before I explain this controversial stance, a pathetically short history of Zionism:

Jewish people, perhaps because they couldn't think of anything better to pray about, had been talking about getting back to Palestine since they were hammered by the Romans and totally punk'd by Hadrian. Before Israel came to be, there had been proposals to give the Jewish people a nation of their own in Argentina or Uganda/Kenya and even in eastern Russia. But the Zionists were greedy. They wanted Israel or nothing. (Just to balance the argument: Muslims are also greedy for wanting so many different holy lands -- you can't have ALL the holy lands).

So Jewish people emigrated for decades into Palestine, and eventually the British basically gave the Jewish people what they wanted on the heels of WWII. It was not just a religious or moral move, but also a political one. The establishment of Israel gave Britian and other western nations a powerful ally in the middle east, to the detriment (I assume) of anyone who wanted to put together another Ottoman Empire. One can certainly argue whether this has done more good than harm for the west - it's hard to say.**

Americans cannot fathom the hatred Muslims feel over this - in spite of the fact that liberals hate conservatives, and poor black people hate rich white people, and artists hate graphic designers, and hybrid car owners hate SUV drivers, and Ohio State fans hate UMich fans. We don't kill people over this hatred (very often anymore), and we certainly wouldn't risk our own lives to stop other people from living their lives (unless they lived very far away and had brown skin). We're cowards, most of us. There's no one to blame for this but ourselves. We live in vast opulence in a land full of overpriced health care and we eat whatever crap we want and we spend all day at our computers and televisions. There's no danger in living your life as an American, and the stakes, for most of us, are low. We wouldn't give our lives for ANYTHING anymore.

But I guarantee there are MILLIONS of Muslims around the world who would happily give their own lives and the lives of everyone they know to oust the Jews in Isreal. And that's why the United States can never truly achieve "victory" in Iraq, nor end the animosity and violence targetted at Israel. Americans just don't care enough about Israel to risk their lives en masse to protect it, and the same could probably be said of most modern societies, as well as many Jewish people themselves.

The fact is, the Jewish people got their asses handed to them by the Romans. But LOTS of people got their asses handed to them by the Romans - it doesn't make you special. And in turn, the Romans had their asses handed to THEM by the 47 Ronin (do I have my history correct here?) The point is, the Jewish people lost. But many people have lost throughout history: the Neanderthals lost Europe, the Mexicans lost Texas, the French lost Canada and Ohio, the Native Americans lost the entire western hemisphere. It's not necessarily their fault, it just happened. That's history. A lot of bad shit went down but now it's over and we can get on with our lives (unless you live outside of the United States and Canada).

I also find it ironic that Americans so vehemently oppose fundamentalist states centered around Islam, yet have no problem supporting a state that does the same thing: creates a national character for what is only, and always has been, a religious belief. Fundamentalist Christians in the US, of course, support Israel because their "bible" tells them that this is where the human incarnation of Satan will be born, and where the rapture will begin - they want to hasten the apocolypse so they can get into to heaven to the exclusion of all black people and Jewish people (surprise! many black people are Christians, sucker! and they're gonna move into the cloud right next to you ahahahahahaha!)

I have several friends who have visited Israel and told me how great it was to be surrounded by Jews. None of them commented on the fact that they were happy to be walking in the holy land, just that they liked being with their own kind. It's understandable. But maybe they'd be just as happy anywhere - like West Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale.

So I say we cut our losses and find a new home for the Jewish people. Might I suggest Quebec? That would kill two birds with one stone.

A good history of Zionism at Wikipedia.

**All that said, anti-semitism as a movement in the West has certainly not been the same since Israel was founded, so maybe I'm full of crap and Israel was a great idea - it pissed off the Muslims who in turn direct their hatred at all Western democracies - in effect exporting all the anti-semitism from Westerners to Muslims. And as a stupid, overfed white American, I support offshoring. So forget I said anything. Go Israel Gamecocks! Beat those Palestinian Wildcats!


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Invisible Life of Poet #70 - Poet vs. Gus II

Do you hate Gus yet? Because I love him. He is as evil and demented as little middle school kids can get. Of course he'd wear a Yale sweatshirt, and of course he plays lacrosse - it's only natural.

Bible Bitch Marissa makes her first appearance here since #42 when she offered Poet a flower after Ben had told him to eat a bag of dicks. Heads up to Marissa fanbloggers and associated perverts: you will be seeing more of her in coming weeks, a lot more.

Stay tuned for next week's installment - where you will learn something very interesting about Gus.

www.lifeofpoet.com

Monday, December 12, 2005

The State of Humor - Unfunny Animals

As America's top supergenius and foremost humorist, it is my duty to report to my unfunny readers on what is and is not funny.

Today I look at animals. Animals are often used to create quick, inexpensive, passing jokes. Unfortunately, amateur humorists (and sadly, many professionals) continue to utilize outdated and overused animal types in their work, believing them still to be funny. Emus, wombats, and yaks top the list of animals that long ago stopped being funny.

But no animal can compete with the king of the "funny" animals, the monkey. No animal in history, save for perhaps the yellow-bellied sapsucker, has been so overplayed in popular culture. While their similarity and relationship to humans make them an easy target, the result of this overexposure is that monkeys are now not only unfunny, they are as depressing as yaks, and in the case of many varieties of monkey, are near extinction, like the yellow-bellied sapsucker.

To combat this, I have prepared three lists: the first contains animals that once were, but no longer are, funny; the second contains animals that are almost NEVER funny; the third contains animals that, based on my superior intellect, I deem to be currently funny. Henceforth please use animals from the third list, not the first two, when trying to be clever and amusing, otherwise you'll look like a stupid goat.







Not FunnyNever FunnyFunny
alpacas
amoeba
anteaters
antelopes
beavers
condors
cows
dingos
donkeys
duckbill platypus
emus
gazelles
goats
gorillas
hippopotamus
llamas
mongooses
monkeys
moose
penguins
sea monkeys
wombats
yaks
yellow-bellied sapsuckers

bats
bears
cheetahs
deer
elephants
giraffes
horses
lions
rabbits
rats
tigers
whales
wolves
zebras
alligators
bison
flounders
hagfish
hedgehogs
kangaroos
lobsters
manatees
mules
opossums
polecats
puffins
sea slugs
shrews
sloths
tuna
voles
walruses
weasels
wolverines
[Late update: upon further review, goats have been removed from the "funny" list and moved to the "not funny" list]
[Late update 2: "Sea monkeys" added to unfunny list]

Charles Manson Downloads All of World's Pornography

Internet proprietor Charles Manson* has succeeded in his dream of downloading all internet pornography - which altogether take up approximately 2-3 PETABYTES of space. Manson has apparently devised a media storage device that runs on magic dust and olive oil. When asked in a phone interview what his plans are now, he replied, "I've got a lot of masturbating to do."


* The Charles Manson featured in this story is not the Charles Manson of Manson Family infamy. The name is simply a coincidence, although our Charles Manson is currently serving multiple life sentences for the murder of several people and conspiracy to commit murder against one woman who coincidentally was also named Sharon Tate. The picture above is of a Charles Manson impersonator who is also coincidentally in prison for murder.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Brokeback Mountain: There Have Been Gayer Films

Sometimes, Americans just need a little perspective, and that's all.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

A Modern US Torture Policy

The use of torture by US military, para-military, and other forces abroad has been a hot subject ever since the Abu Ghraib photos were unleashed on the world. The argument is very multi-faceted. One side says the US never tortures (George W. Bush, Condi Rice); one side wants to make absolutely sure torture is outlawed (Sen. John McCain); one side says we don't torture, but it's okay if others do (Donald Rumsfeld); one side says torturing is okay for certain branches of the government (Dick Cheney); one side thinks only US soldiers should be allowed to torture, but nobody else (US military personnel); one side isn't paying much attention (US citizens); and one side claims the US tortures as a matter of policy (everybody else in the world).

Yet solving this complicated problem is remarkably simple, but not in a way you might think. It can be solved merely by changing the language used. The Geneva Conventions are clear about torture, but they say very little about BDSM. The switch is subtle, but the effects would be great. Torture is, of course, an abomination upon mankind; but BDSM, on the other hand, is kinky.

With BDSM, burning prisoners...er...submissives with cigarettes and attaching their genitals to car batteries would not be abusive and painful, but a turn-on.

What may surprise you even more is that there is already an infrastructure in place in this country and abroad to support such a change. The "torture" devices are already mass-produced and sold by respected government contracters, such as Extreme Restraints of Huntington Beach, California.

Spanking Benches, Floggers, Electrosex Plugs, Electrosex Penis Bands, Ball Stretchers, and Cock and Ball Pillories could all be employed to retrieve sensitive intelligence from captured terrorists and combatants without violating the Geneva Conventions. Erotic spankings, erotic bondage, erotic nipple clamping, and erotic ball-crushing can all be used within the confines of the law, so long as they are erotic. Regulation of military and para-military BDSM practices can be achieved by an oversight committee composed entirely of Republican members of Congress, who can view video of the practices privately in their own chambers. This is, of course, what they wanted anyway.

(WARNING: SOME LINKS IN THIS POST MAY HAVE BEEN GRAPHIC)

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I Challenge Joe Lieberman to a Fight

Dear Mr. Lieberman,

Put down the dick for a second and read these words carefully.

I challenge you to a fight. No weapons, no tricks, just straight fist-on-fist action. This time, however, you might be surprised to find the fist in your face, not your ass. I want to feel the tactile sensation of crushing your cum-saturated esophagus so you can never again talk about your undying love for your gay fuck-buddy, George W. Bush.

The winner of the fight will gain sole possession of your senate seat, in accordance with the US Constitution (Appendix F - for Fuck You!!!)

If you agree, meet at the parking lot behind the Wendy's in Seattle. We're going to settle this forever. Or are you a pussy???

Daily Suck - Joe Lieberman

Could Joe Lieberman be the biggest pussy to ever walk the halls of Congress? This guy regularly speaks out IN FAVOR of the war in Iraq, and he's a democrat. Somebody seriously needs to kick him in the face, he's such a coward.
“It’s time for us to set aside arguments about how we got involved in Iraq,”
No it's not, you faux-liberal fag! Why don't you eat some dick???
“The lives of 160,000 Americans in uniform are on the line there every day, and it is urgent … to put the national goals we hold in common ahead of partisan goals,”
Who are you? King dick-suck? Shut the fuck up!
“There is broad, bipartisan agreement on the goals,”
Oh my god somebody give this guy a fat republican dick to suck!
"The question is no longer why we got in, but how we win in Iraq,"
Maybe if you suck enough terrorist dick we can win in Iraq.
"It is time for Democrats who distrust President Bush to acknowledge that he will be commander in chief for three more critical years and that in matters of war we undermine presidential credibility at our nation's peril."
Seriously - this guy is up for reelection next year. Voters of Connecticut, you know what to do.

A decent write-up from Stars and Stripes for some reason.

Also look at this bullshit: Lieberman Rejects White House Overtures. According to this story, Bush has asked King Dick Suck to be Director of Homeland Security. Imagine putting the biggest pussy in the country in charge of security. We'd all be sucking dick in a matter of days. If Bush wants Lieberman on his cabinet, he should start a Department of Dick Sucking.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The Invisible Life of Poet #69 - Poet v. Gus I

#69 Uploaded - Finally, a chance to delve into the precarious relationship between Poet and his arch-nemesis, Gus. This is one of the few strips where Poet actually has the upper hand. It certainly continues to showcase the breadth of my genius that I do not pigeonhole characters into predictable, flat stereotypes. This strip is organic - always evolving and heading in new directions. You can thank me for warming you with my enlightening presence.

www.lifeofpoet.com

French Lesbians Totally Doing It at Belgian Fertility Clinics

Thanks to the guys at Breitbart.com for attaching such an illustrative but inappropriate photograph to this otherwise mundane story about old French lesbians. I almost donated all over my desk.

Full story here

King Kong is the Worst Movie of All Time

Genuine Peter Jackson fans know that he has made some exciting and clever movies in the past, (Dead Alive, Meet the Feebles) but his talent has been declining as he's gotten fatter and hairier. Everyone knows that The Lord of the Rings trilogy was just Star Wars for perverts, and Star Wars was already a movie about transexual aliens.

I'm fairly convinced that King Kong will be completely unwatchable and will make no money, and I say that having not seen it yet. It is supposedly about a guy who lives in Alaska and talks to bears, but then to everyone's surprise (I mean, only to his surprise) he gets eaten by a bear (aptly named King Kong after this guy) along with his girlfriend, who probably followed him there for a piece of his King Kong.

Seriously, why Peter Jackson would choose to remake such an unnacceptably terrible movie like this one is totally outside my realm of thinking, and I say that as a certified supergenius.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Airedale Terrier - The Cat of Dogs

People call them the king of the terriers, but Airedales should be called the king of the assholes. There is simply no worse dog on earth. And they really are the cat of dogs - they hate you, and will be forthcoming about their hatred. They will hate you right to your face and they will totally ignore you at the worst possible time and you'll want to hit them so badly.

If you already own an Airedale Terrier, I strongly suggest you commit suicide right now. If you do, however, make sure you kill your dog first.

Okay that was a joke. Don't kill your dog, even if it is the worst dog in the world. But do kill yourself for being so stupid as to shell out hundreds of dollars for a pure-bred pile of shit. Next time go to the local shelter - it's cheaper and you can get a sweet adult dog who will love you for the rest of its life. Seriously, and I have gobs of experience so you can trust me on this, mixed-breed shelter dogs are much better companions on average than purebreeds from a kennel. They've been through some bad times, and that builds character - just as it does in humans. Kennel dogs are raised to think they're champions, so they act like pricks. I'm totally serious when I say this. Plus, by getting a shelter dog, you might just be saving a life.

ASPCA.org

Daily Suck - Condoleezza Rice

C-Rice is on her way to tell EU members to cram it over U.S. use of secret prisons to detain suspected terrorists. Feel free to read the speech she gave today at Andrews AFB. Basically she said the US should be able to do pretty much whatever it wants to save a few lives. A few quotes:
We must track down the terrorists who seek refuge in areas where governments cannot take effective action, including where the terrorists cannot in practice be reached by the ordinary processes of law.
This is idiotspeak for "we think we should be above the laws of all other nations."
The captured terrorists of the 21st century do not fit easily into traditional systems of criminal or military justice, which where designed for different needs. We have to adapt.
By "terrorists of the 21st century," she must mean they have bionic arms and communicate telepathically, because as far as I can tell, terrorists are the same now as they always have been - they blow crap up by any means necessary.

Seriously --

This is exactly how fascist societies get going. They find ways to justify brutal behavior within the confines of law and morality in order to "protect" somebody. Condi justifies the rendition of suspects by citing examples of terrorists in the past who were caught and were quickly sentenced through a process of rendition (which, BTW, is a stupid word). But these were KNOWN terrorists. The people currently being rendited...er, renditioned...EXPORTED FOR SUMMARY BEATINGS...are not terrorists, they are SUSPECTED terrorists. But I guarantee that those who are not actually terrorists will be once they get out of those secret prisons, assuming they ever get out.

So if you're brown, and you live in any nation where the average temperature is 140F, and the typical occupation is "camel surgeon," watch out, because Condi is coming for you. She may or may not be a vampire - we'll let you know. (Wear some garlic just in case).

Automakers Further Dream to Make All Cars Identical

Perhaps it's mean of me to pick on designers of full-size standard and luxury sedans, but what a bunch of uncreative loser wannabees. If I were a total douche, how could I choose which of these fag-mobiles suits my lifestyle of after-school soccer meets, 50-something swinger's parties, and Republican Fundraising Gangbangs?

These designers should learn how to design a car with a beautiful collaboration of style and function, such as this one:

The Weekly Forecast

Your guide to what will almost certainly happen this week.

World: Saddam Hussein will be acquitted on all charges of crimes against humanity and will retire to play golf and "look for the real fascist dictator."

Business: AOL, facing crushing 4th-quarter predictions, will lay off all but one of its employees - a guy named Rich who will maintain the AOL brand as a blog about living with his parents while trying to compete on the world speed poetry circuit.

Entertainment: Katie Holmes will announce her pregnancy was not caused by Tom Cruise, who is, in fact, a woman, but by a 4-foot-tall green slime troll who lives on human fear and skin. Journalists and the general public will struggle to see the difference.

Politics: Hillary Clinton, seeking the crucial Piss/Puke/Scat vote in the upcoming 2006 Senate race, will piss in a bucket, snort it through her nose, spray liquid shit all over a press junket, then vomit a rotten turd she ate earlier and spread it all over her gaping vagina while Bill takes a dump on her face. It will improve her standings in the polls marginally.

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Invisible Life of Poet is So Awesome it Sucks

The Invisible Life of Poet may be the single greatest comic strip ever created. If you haven't seen it yet, prepare to piss all over yourself with laughter.

Rapists and child molesters do not like this comic strip. Are you a rapist or child molester?

www.lifeofpoet.com

[Full Disclosure: I am the creator of The Invisible Life of Poet]

Hillary Clinton is the Republican of Democrats

Alternate Title: Hillary Clinton is the Anus of the Democratic Party

I am a registered Democrat, but if Hillary runs for prez in '08, I will vote for anybody else. I might vote for her if the alternative were Dick Cheney.

Two reasons:
  1. She supports the war in Iraq
  2. She spends way too much time worrying about violence in videogames
  3. She's a total douchette ho-ma bitch
  4. She sucks
Three reasons, er four reasons.

Seriously
If Hillary is nominated for president, the Democrats can kiss the presidency goodbye once again. Republicans hate her the way God hates shrimp (so I'm told.) They will do anything to stop her getting elected. Moreover, she has zero charisma, and you need charisma to win the highest office in the US. A few more good points at TPM Cafe.