Monday, December 05, 2005

The Weekly Forecast

Your guide to what will almost certainly happen this week.

World: Saddam Hussein will be acquitted on all charges of crimes against humanity and will retire to play golf and "look for the real fascist dictator."

Business: AOL, facing crushing 4th-quarter predictions, will lay off all but one of its employees - a guy named Rich who will maintain the AOL brand as a blog about living with his parents while trying to compete on the world speed poetry circuit.

Entertainment: Katie Holmes will announce her pregnancy was not caused by Tom Cruise, who is, in fact, a woman, but by a 4-foot-tall green slime troll who lives on human fear and skin. Journalists and the general public will struggle to see the difference.

Politics: Hillary Clinton, seeking the crucial Piss/Puke/Scat vote in the upcoming 2006 Senate race, will piss in a bucket, snort it through her nose, spray liquid shit all over a press junket, then vomit a rotten turd she ate earlier and spread it all over her gaping vagina while Bill takes a dump on her face. It will improve her standings in the polls marginally.


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